Yet another I’m-scared-of-the-future post

If you’re thinking that I’m one of those people to whom the cheesy line, “You’re so worried about tomorrow that you’re forgetting to live today,” applies to, you’re wrong. I couldn’t be more in-the-moment~. You can ask people I know. But you see, my personality is one big contradiction.

My face is a whopping 10, okay 8, but my body? Eeenk. 3. I’m not exactly shy, actually I’m annoyingly outgoing when there are other people around, but as much as I can, I try to avoid social interaction. I hate small, awkward talk, yknow? I hate the Twilight series, but I just watched Breaking Dawn. And I’mma watch part 2! That’s not a contradiction, really. My curiosity just got the best of me. And you know, I’m sorta kinda masochistic. Long story. My boyfriend, this ex of his used to call him Edward, seriously! Come on, Ven, focus.
As I’ve said, I couldn’t be more “in-the-moment.” I like adventures, thrills, surprises, you name it. It’s just that I’m a future-oriented person. How do I put this, I like the little details of my life to be spontaneous and fun but I like for the bigger picture to be clear (and right now it’s anything but). Kind of like a mix between Serena van der Woodsen and Blair Waldorf. I know, I wish.
Again, just to be clear, the cheesy line DOESN’T apply to me. I just do what everyone does but never talks about. The late nights when you ask yourself what lies ahead, what things you could’ve done better, and if your life is going on smoothly, how do you hold on to it, keep it safe?

What if I wake up 30 years from now and realize that I lived a life full of crushed dreams? What if I end up with a job that I don’t enjoy? It’s not uncommon, you graduate with a face full of hope and vision, and the next thing you know, you’re working a job that barely pays the bills you don’t even have enough money to buy books and burger. You couldn’t even afford to move out of your parents’ house, for kryssakes! Trust me, this is a lot more pressure-izing when you have a boyfriend that has all the time in the world for you, yet manages to maintain an above 1.25 GPA. Well, it’s actually called GWA but GPA just rolls of the tongue more naturally. And I know, I’m typing this, Ven, focus.

What if I’m wasting my life? What if all the steps that I’m currently taking are the wrong ones? What if I just missed the right path?

What if two years from now, I lose Joel? What if I lose my parents even before I have kids? I know that with everything I have, I’m a very lucky 18-year-old girl. But the problem with loving where your life is currently going is the part at night when something in your head tells you that you could lose everything in a snap. One small mistake, one big unfortunate event, and your world is changed, everything you hold dear is lost.

18 is a terrible age, mix it with future-orientedness and paranoia and you get fucked up nights with the occasional crying. You see youth and innocence slowly escape your hands and there’s nothing you could do about it. Your whole future is being laid upon you and it’s scary because you don’t know what’s out there. Is it filled with smiles or broken hearts? Success after a few failures or just a full blown tragedy? Not everyone lives their dreams, and even if you choose to pursue your passion, is it guaranteed that said passion will pay for your future bills and family? We all want to be poets, artists, rockstars, or a really famous blogger/internet person that has so many hits it sustains a good life, but not everyone’s that lucky.

At this point, everything is just a blur and there’s nothing to do but face it head on. Your mom can just give you so many advices and hugs but in the end, everything’s still all up to you. If Bella, with a blood-sucking baby in her blood-filled womb, were able to say, “Everything will be all right,” I can too. Everything will be all right, Ven. Everything will be all right.

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