Yet another I’m-scared-of-the-future post

If you’re thinking that I’m one of those people to whom the cheesy line, “You’re so worried about tomorrow that you’re forgetting to live today,” applies to, you’re wrong. I couldn’t be more in-the-moment~. You can ask people I know. But you see, my personality is one big contradiction.

My face is a whopping 10, okay 8, but my body? Eeenk. 3. I’m not exactly shy, actually I’m annoyingly outgoing when there are other people around, but as much as I can, I try to avoid social interaction. I hate small, awkward talk, yknow? I hate the Twilight series, but I just watched Breaking Dawn. And I’mma watch part 2! That’s not a contradiction, really. My curiosity just got the best of me. And you know, I’m sorta kinda masochistic. Long story. My boyfriend, this ex of his used to call him Edward, seriously! Come on, Ven, focus.
As I’ve said, I couldn’t be more “in-the-moment.” I like adventures, thrills, surprises, you name it. It’s just that I’m a future-oriented person. How do I put this, I like the little details of my life to be spontaneous and fun but I like for the bigger picture to be clear (and right now it’s anything but). Kind of like a mix between Serena van der Woodsen and Blair Waldorf. I know, I wish.
Again, just to be clear, the cheesy line DOESN’T apply to me. I just do what everyone does but never talks about. The late nights when you ask yourself what lies ahead, what things you could’ve done better, and if your life is going on smoothly, how do you hold on to it, keep it safe?

What if I wake up 30 years from now and realize that I lived a life full of crushed dreams? What if I end up with a job that I don’t enjoy? It’s not uncommon, you graduate with a face full of hope and vision, and the next thing you know, you’re working a job that barely pays the bills you don’t even have enough money to buy books and burger. You couldn’t even afford to move out of your parents’ house, for kryssakes! Trust me, this is a lot more pressure-izing when you have a boyfriend that has all the time in the world for you, yet manages to maintain an above 1.25 GPA. Well, it’s actually called GWA but GPA just rolls of the tongue more naturally. And I know, I’m typing this, Ven, focus.

What if I’m wasting my life? What if all the steps that I’m currently taking are the wrong ones? What if I just missed the right path?

What if two years from now, I lose Joel? What if I lose my parents even before I have kids? I know that with everything I have, I’m a very lucky 18-year-old girl. But the problem with loving where your life is currently going is the part at night when something in your head tells you that you could lose everything in a snap. One small mistake, one big unfortunate event, and your world is changed, everything you hold dear is lost.

18 is a terrible age, mix it with future-orientedness and paranoia and you get fucked up nights with the occasional crying. You see youth and innocence slowly escape your hands and there’s nothing you could do about it. Your whole future is being laid upon you and it’s scary because you don’t know what’s out there. Is it filled with smiles or broken hearts? Success after a few failures or just a full blown tragedy? Not everyone lives their dreams, and even if you choose to pursue your passion, is it guaranteed that said passion will pay for your future bills and family? We all want to be poets, artists, rockstars, or a really famous blogger/internet person that has so many hits it sustains a good life, but not everyone’s that lucky.

At this point, everything is just a blur and there’s nothing to do but face it head on. Your mom can just give you so many advices and hugs but in the end, everything’s still all up to you. If Bella, with a blood-sucking baby in her blood-filled womb, were able to say, “Everything will be all right,” I can too. Everything will be all right, Ven. Everything will be all right.

I swear I’m not trying to pose as a fashion blogger

Please excuse the two consecutive posts about my kaartehan. It’s just that I bought 2 pairs of shoes today using my own money and when you’re like me who’s super dependent, that’s kind of a big deal.

Since there’s not a chance in hell that my mom would allow me to shop shoes online–she says that it would be hard to buy shoes that you couldn’t fit, and I agree–I got really thrilled when I learned that Comfit opened a boutique over at SM North. I reread that “sentence” a million times and I feel really uncomfortable because I feel that there are lots of punctuation errors.
I don’t know if this applies to everyone or if it’s just me, and probably my friend Richard, but there’s just this higher level of joy when you get new shoes than the level new clothes gives. And now, I discovered that it’s even more overwhelming when you buy it with your own money. I can’t wait ’til I finally get a real job. :>
Maturity +10
Now that that’s done, can we just applaud my non-existent photography and photoshopping skills?
xx,
V

KAMOOOON SKINNY LOOOOOOOOOVE

One of the things that I deeply regretted was stopping to have piano lessons. It’s just that when you’re in Grade 2, it’s easy to lose interest in things, you know what I mean? Especially when you have my way of thinking: Master the basics and you can accomplish anything! While this may be true, my idea of “basic” when I was 8 was until a grade 2 piano book.

So I started playing again and learned this song! I just needed an intro to introduce it, actually. I didn’t want to be the douche that just randomly posts things into her blog as if blogspot was some kind of place I put my unsorted thoughts in. Hihi.

Click this click this! The song is Birdy’s version of Skinny Love. Enjoy! 😀 I also posted the link on Tumblr and Twitter because I’m somewhat proud of it. SHAMELESS PLUGGING AT ITS FINEST.

Of all the things that I could get from my mom…

…it had to be clumsiness. 😐 My mom is a super amazing person–adolescent Ven would say otherwise but don’t listen to her because she’s one of the stupidest people you’d ever meet. My mom’s one of those people who’s genuinely complete even without having someone to grow old with and I really admire that. She’s already 50+ and you won’t find a trace of regret in her face when she says na, “Okay nang may Venus ako, no.” Now if only I got that trait of hers: bravery and the power to not overthink.

So, I tripped big time this morning and I say big time because I always trip. Natatapilok ako kahit wala naman talagang kakatapilukan. Di na nga nagugulat/natatawa/nag-aalala mga tao kapag natatapilok ako e, kasi lagi nang nangyayari. Even here at home, I always fall from the stairs. Hahah. That’s why this morning nung nadapa ako when I left mom’s office, di na sya bago.

The thing is, I tripped sa tapat ng hospital and there was this soldier who saw me and he panicked and he said, “Naku! Dadalhin kita sa ospital! Ayan lang o, wait papakuhanan kitang wheel chair.” Talk about vigilance, diba? Sundalo nga si manong. :))

So I texted my mom in all caps, “MMY! PUNTA KANG OSPITAL!” yknow, for dramatic effect. So she called all worried and when I said “Natapilok ako, e may nakakitang sundalo. Ayun. Now I need your ID.” I needed her ID for proof na I’m a soldier’s dependent. So when she got to the hospital, you know what she said? “Hala ka, di na flawless legs mo.” Hahaha. It’s not that she’s uncaring, it just always happens and never pa naman ako napahamak or anything. So the protocol was to have my foot x-rayed to be sure and it was taking all too long at naiinip na kami ni mommy so she just said to the doctor na babalik na lang kami tomorrow kasi we thought na it wasn’t serious naman.

Long story short, I went on with my lakad and now, namamaga na sya. Hahaha.

Pardon the cheap webcam photos. Gross no?
Well, I took two 500mg painkillers because I thought twas just 50mg, which was bucketfuls of stupid, and I’m still high as fuck. Funny that the moment I got home, the second thing I thought of was, “Hey! I should post a picture of this on the internet!” The first was to call my mom.